The Adventures of Low Jones

The Adventures of Low Jones: I Can't Help Falling In Love With You

Tony was the greatest friend of all friends. He came up with Yeoman's name for his alter ego, Low Jones. And then he was able to work his magic to borrow his father's car and grab his driver's hat to become Yeoman's modern day Benson and take him to the Porcelain Kitty to help him better his chances to sweep Jenna off her feet. Tony had also dressed Yeoman in his father's best karaoke outfit. What Yeoman didn't know was that Tony's father was a Japanese Elvis impersonator on the weekends and he had clothing that would make anyone blush. But for some reason, Low Jones looked cool in it. The tight powdered blue pants. The tight black button up shirt. Of course, underneath it all, the tight leopard bikini briefs. Hell, if Yeoman ever wore anything this tight before he would be busting buttons after the first course of a meal.

Tony already had his driver's license while Yeoman didn't. Yeoman drove his banana seat scooter to class so he didn't really need his license. But not for lack of trying. Yeoman had failed his driver's permit test 7 times before finally passing. But his mother wouldn't allow him to take the driver's test because she didn't feel comfortable with him behind the wheel. Something about him not knowing his right from his left very well. But this was the same woman who herself would create her own parking spaces while parallel parking, using her car as a battering ram to create more space between her and the two cars she was trying to park between.

While Yeoman was in the passenger's seat, Tony was humming along to one of his favorite artists, Enrique Iglesias. He was no Michael Jackson, but he was still cool. Tony wasn't much of a singer as he was far too embarrassed to sing with anyone in the car even if it was his old buddy Yeoman, but he sure could hum any tune. Once he hummed the entire Good Times theme song 14 times during the first commercial of the Good Times Memorial Day Marathon. It broke his all time record of 12 in a row. But while Tony was humming Enrique, Yeoman was thinking about the day that was. From his pole accident to his video store accident, to his jumping off the bed accident. But in the end, something great came out of it. He became the rock star like, viciously debonair, boy toyish, sexy, Low Jones. It was his alter ego, but he really didn't yet understand who Low Jones was, or even how he came to be. Yeoman knew he turned into Low Jones by result of putting on the leopard-skinned underwear that he was able to fit over his bulbous buttocks. But was that it? Was it a pair of magical underwear that caused the change, or was it his will to change after swearing to live by the words of "The Ricker"? Even though he felt better than he'd ever felt in his life, he was a little afraid of the consequences. When would he turn back into Yeoman? Would he ever turn back into Yeoman? And who exactly was Low Jones? He didn't feel all that different. Maybe a little bit more sure of himself, but that could be because he was so damn handsome as he looked in the rear view mirror to almost shock himself again on who was staring straight back at him. But he didn't have time to worry, he had a lovely feminine dragon to slay. That's it, Low Jones the Dragon Slayer. He gave his new name a nickname.

But almost on queue with Tony's humming, Yeoman started to scream.

If you feel like leaving
I'm not gonna make you stay
Soon you'll be finding
You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love

Ah yes, nothing like singing Enrique Iglesias on the way to what could be the largest night of young Yeoman's life. As Yeoman, he couldn't get away with singing Enrique Iglesias lyrics, but tonight, as Low Jones, he could get away with anything he wanted.

Tony immediately turned off the radio.

"Hey! I was singing that, " blurted out Yeoman.

"That's exactly the reason I turned it off. You can't just sing Enrique like that. Enrique needs to be on key, not off key. You can't treat Enrique like any artist. He's almost Elvis like. That's right. The Latino Elvis."

"I'm sorry, I knew you liked Enrique, but man, the Latino Elvis?" asked Yeoman.

"Well, maybe he's not in Elvis' league yet, but soon, he'll be there. And I'll be there with him. Singing, shaking my boom boom, and scratching my hairy mole."

"His mole isn't hairy, just yours."

"Well, at least I have a mole like him," exclaimed Tony loudly while he stroked the two long hairs bulging out of the huge mole on the right side of his chin.

The drive to the Porcelain Kitty was about 30 minutes outside of the town of Bartholomew that they lived in. But with Tony as the driver, it could almost take twice as long. Tony was a by the book driver. Every stop sign, he counted to two before he went on again. Every yellow light he slowed down for. Every old lady he let cross the street. To Tony, driving was about etiquette and he wasn't ready to break the rules even if it was for Yeoman's date with destiny. But Yeoman knew that, and it didn't upset him. He wanted every chance to go through his approach with Jenna over and over again in his head.

"What are you doing?" asked an almost upset Tony.

"I'm practicing my smiles," said Yeoman. "You see, you should have about four different smiles for different occasions. When you do something wrong and try to get away with it, you use the full smile," said Yeoman as he showed Tony his toothy grin.

"And then for instances like tonight, when you want to look sharp and debonair, you use the three quarter smile," added Yeoman as he showed Tony a smile that wasn't as toothy as the smile he just showed him, but still goofy looking.

"And for when you really have the girl where you want her, you give her the half smile, with maybe a little raise of the eyebrow like "The Ricker"," said Yeoman to a now astonished Tony.

"And finally, the quarter smile which is used to seal the deal, or slay the dragon if you will," said Yeoman who gave Tony a devilish one fourth of a smile.

"Where did you hear about this?" asked Tony.

"It was either the Cosby Show or that sex book your mom kept under her bed, I can't really remember," said the oblivious one as Tony sat there shaking his head.

"You saw that book?" asked a surprised Tony. "I learned everything I know from that book."

"Dude, too much information Tone. Too much information," said buddy ole Yeoman.

They were now coming up to the Porcelain Kitty. Tony's father's 500 page road map was finally useful as they found the nightclub very easily. The nightclub was the most famous one in the city for kids who were at least eighteen in age. The place lit up the town. In bright white cursive letters, on top of a two story building said, "The Porcelain Kitty". And underneath the big sign was a smaller one that said, "Where Dreams Become Reality". When Yeoman saw that secondary sign, he knew he was in the right place, and he knew tonight was his night.

As Tony pulled up next to the nightclub, Yeoman was in full strategic mode. He knew that even though Steve was Jenna's boyfriend, she wasn't married to the guy. And if anyone could pry away Steve's fingers from Jenna's hips, it was the L. Jo, or Low Jones if you're nasty. He didn't know exactly what he was going to do, but he had a few thoughts, some even way too creative for him.

As he was getting ready to shake Tony's hand and thank him for being the greatest friend of all time, Tony handed him a piece of paper.

"What's this?" asked Yeoman.

"It's a poem that may be useful tonight. You know, this is a once in a chance lifetime. Look at you. You're handsome."

"Uh, Tony are you hitting on me? I know I'm handsome now and all, but you really didn't have to write me a love poem. We'll always be friends, but not like that Tone," said the new Low Jones.

"Dude, you're cute, but not that cute. I'm 100% Japanese man here buddy. And I wasn't even talking about that. I was talking about you reciting that poem for your girl if you get the chance. Picture it. You see Jenna by herself. She glances into your eyes. You look hard into hers. And you walk towards each other. And you grab her hand. There's no music, but you still ask her to dance. You put one hand in hers and the other on her waist. And you start to sing, slowly:

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you

So what do you think?" said Tony with his lips puckered while pantomiming a slow dance with his shadow.

"Uh Tone, that's beautiful. But it was even more beautiful when Elvis first sang it," said Yeoman as he was eager to get out of the car.

"It doesn't matter who did it first! It's still beautiful. I was going to save that poem for my future wife, but for tonight, it's yours."

"Ok Tone. I promise to use it if the moment arises. Thanks again. And please be out here in three hours to pick me up. It's a cold night and I don't want to be out here standing a long time."

As Yeoman looked up at the huge establishment, he froze and turned back toward the car where Tony, almost like a proud father watching his son go out on his first date, was watching his best friend, or what used to be his best friend, or who still was his best friend deep inside, but on the outside looked like a stranger, take his first steps into manhood. Tony was still in awe of the day. Not in his wildest dreams could he have even created the story of his friend Yeoman changing from a guy who passed gas on his way down a pole into a genetic freak like Low Jones. Low Jones visually was everything Yeoman was not. Yeoman wasn't an ugly guy by any means, but his cherubic face got in the way of his facial structure. You could barely tell the guy had a jaw. And his large belly got in the way of his abdominal muscles. Yeoman once swore he had a six-pack of abdominal muscles under the mass that was his skin. Tony watched as his hesitant friend looked toward the car one last time before deciding to go into the club.

As Yeoman walked up to the club, he took one last gulp of fear. A gulp of fear is that gulp of air one takes the second before facing someone or something that is out of their normal life. To Yeoman, a dance club would be the last place he thought he'd ever be seen. But as Low Jones, he seemed to fit in so well. He walked up to the entrance and was immediately grabbed by a huge Asian man whose nametag said Hea-Maa, which Yeoman thought may have been a Korean name of some sort. This huge man asked him for his identification. Luckily, the greatest friend in the entire world was also adept at making fake ID's. Before they left his house, Tony used his digital camera to snap a shot of Yeoman as Low Jones and superimposed it onto his older brother's driver's licence. Tony would face the repercussions of his older brother's license missing later. But for now, Yeoman's driver's license said Toshio Santo.

The large Asian man studied Yeoman's new but fake driver's license for what seemed to be five minutes, but was probably no longer than 30 seconds or so. He looked at it, and gave it back to Yeoman.

"You live pretty close to where I live man," Hea-Maa said.

"Huh?" said Yeoman, almost forgetting that the address on the license was really Tony's and not his.

"Oh yeah, 234 Jabroni Drive. Lived there all my life," he uttered.

The large Asian man was curious about Yeoman's name. Toshio Santo? Yeoman didn't look like a Toshio Santo.

"You don't look Japanese, little man," said the enforcer.

"Don't I know it. You see my grandfather was from Okinawa and he came to the United States and married outside of his race. And then his kids married outside their race. And then my dad married my mom who doesn't have an ounce of Japanese at all in her. So that's how I, who have brown hair and blue eyes, get stuck with the name of Toshio Santo. Believe me, I get my fair share of double takes on my driver's license," lied Yeoman.

"Cool man, have fun up in there tonight. Just don't start nothing in there or I'll be the one kicking you out," said the large man as he laughed in such a way that his upper body bounced up and down.

Low Jones walked into the club and took one last gulp of fear. He took each step slowly for fear of tripping and causing an embarrassing scene. He picked his head up to notice two women smiling at him, but he obliviously looked straight forward, not even making eye contact with them. He was only looking for one person and that was Jenna. He still didn't know what he was going to say when he finally did see her. He could use Tony's advice and go Elvis on her, but that wasn't him. He just wanted to glance into her eyes and not have her immediately look away. After that, whatever came out of his mouth would be magical. He walked toward the bar section which was only for the group of people who had green wristbands which meant they were over 21 and were legal to drink. Yeoman forgot he had one too as Tony's brother Toshio was 22 years old. But Yeoman figured he wouldn't get much use out of it because he hated alcohol. He loved him some Diet Coke though. He wanted to buy stock in Diet Coke if he could. He drank Diet Coke morning, noon, and night. You could call him a Diet Cokeaholic. If there were DCA meetings for Diet Coke addicts, he'd be hosting them.

He walked up to the bar to order a Diet Coke when someone grabbed him on the wrist and introduced himself.

"I'm Eddy Zucko. How you doin?"

Yeoman hesitated because he didn't want Eddy to know he was really Yeoman, but he didn't really give himself a name other then Low Jones. He knew Eddy as the coolest dude in High School at Ritchie Valens High. He was a guy Yeoman looked up to. Eddy had a magnetic personality. He talked, people listened. He walked, people watched. He never really knew Yeoman, but he was there in gym class during the pole incident.

"Jones, they call me. Low Jones."

"Right on bro, I like that name," said Eddy. "I noticed you had one of those green bands on your arm. I'm a day short of my 21st birthday and actually in two hours at midnight, I'll be 21. Do you think if I gave you some cash, that you could buy me and a few of my friends some drinks?"

Yeoman knew Eddy wasn't near 21, but he didn't want to seem like a jerk. He needed to fit in. He already had the look, but he needed to act cool.

"Sure dude, what do you want?" he asked.

"Just 4 beers," said Mr. Cool.

Yeoman didn't really pay attention to who he was ordering for. He just helped Eddy walk the drinks to his table and was about to make his way around the club.

"You can hang with us over here man, but my guess is you probably have some sweet chick to go to," said Eddy.

"Ya, you're right. A nice, hot, sweet chick. I'm meeting her here," he said, but in his mind he was saying, "I'm meeting her here, but she doesn't yet know it."

"Cool man, maybe later we'll hook up," said Eddy.

Eddy was sort of in awe of Low Jones. Yeoman felt that Eddy sort of wanted to hang out with him, maybe to learn from the older and cooler guy. Little did Eddy know that it was simply Yeoman Highsmith in someone who looked like a movie star's body. If he knew it was Yeoman, he probably wouldn't have even offered him to sit at his table. But since he was Low Jones tonight, and not Yeoman, he decided to rub it in and milk it for all it was worth.

"Sure man. Maybe I'll send the girls that I deny over your way," said the now vain Low Jones.

"You know it Low Jones. Then I'll be able to give them 100% Zuckosfaction," said Eddy while flexing his muscles.

A laughing Yeoman said, "Ok man, take it easy."

"Late," said Eddy.

Yeoman walked away from Eddy's table in search of his reason for being. Jenna. As he walked back toward the bar, he noticed Steve Sanderson trying to get someone to buy him a drink. Steve obviously wasn't of age to drink, but he had walked up to one of the guys with the green band around his wrist to buy him a drink as Eddy did to Yeoman, but he was denied. Yeoman heard Steve was a wild party man but he hadn't seen it just yet. Like an epiphany, Yeoman had an idea to get Steve out of his way for the night. It was cruel, but it was going to work. He decided to walk up to Steve and turn on the Low Jones charm.

"Steve-O, how you doin' man?"

"Uh, hey, man, where do I know you from?" said Steve. "You look really familiar."

"We met some time ago. Our mothers know each other," said the now swift speaking Yeoman.

"Oh, ok, what was your name again?" asked Steve.

"Just call me Jones. My buddies call me Low Jones," said a smirking Yeoman.

"That's pretty slick Low Jones. I still don't remember us meeting before, but you sure as hell do sound familiar," replied Steve.

Yeoman turned up the heat. "Hey, where's that beautiful girlfriend of yours? I think her name was Jenna. She sure is a catch from what I remember."

"Jenna's here. And she brought her annoying cousin and they are dancing together out there," said Steve as he pointed toward the dance floor. "I'm just trying to find a drink around here."

Yeoman looked out to where Steve had just pointed and he got his first look at the beauty that was his genesis. And he also got a look at Jenna's cousin. She looked like an exact replica of Jenna. They both were about the same height and had very similar features. But still, Yeoman was mystified by Jenna's beauty and didn't even do much other than glance at her cousin.

Yeoman looked toward the dance floor and in what seemed like slow motion, watched the most beautiful girl in the world move so sweetly on the dance floor. He was mesmerized. She was dressed in black pants that seemed to be painted on her. She wore a dark blouse that was slightly opened to reveal her collarbone. Yeoman always had a fascination for naked collarbone. How he wished for a chance to kiss her naked collarbone. He wished that at the moment that he had a camera so he could take a snap shot of how pretty she looked. The only picture that he had of he and Jenna together was taken at lunch one day. Tony brought his digital camera to school and snapped a shot of Yeoman sitting on a table by himself with Jenna sitting at the table behind him with her friends. They weren't eating together, but at least Tony was able to fit them into the same frame.

His heart started to beat faster. He had to act quickly.

"Steve-O, I have something for ya. I see you're struggling trying to get someone to buy you a drink. I have one of these green bands, but I'm not really a drinker. I need to be on even keel as I hunt for prey if you know what I mean. But anyway, here, take this," said Yeoman as he started to take the green band off his wrist to give to Steve.

Steve lunged for the bracelet, foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.

"Hey, you can't just do this in broad daylight. I can get in trouble for this," said the once chubby one.

"Oh yeah, sorry. Let's go to the bathroom," said Steve.

"You know, thanks for doing this for me. I turn 21 at midnight and in an hour and a half, I won't even need this, but thanks for the band," said Steve as Yeoman had a look on his face that said to Steve that he'd just heard that story a short time ago.

"Sure, whatever kid. But since this is your birthday, drink all you want. Drink like a champion," Yeoman dramatically added.

Who was Yeoman to stop Steve from drinking? He did need to get Steve out of the picture, but Yeoman still felt guilty for telling Steve, who he knew was under drinking age, to drink like there was no tomorrow. So he decided to make his conscience feel better.

"Steve-O, don't get too carried away my man," he said.

"Thanks dude," said Sanderson.

In an act of pure cruelty, Yeoman walked over to the bouncer he met earlier. Hea-Maa was a gloomy figure. He had the perfect look for a bouncer. He had a short, shaved haircut that made his head look like a bullet. His eyes were small, but menacing. And he was big. Yeoman had seen some of Tony's older uncles and he thought they were big, but Hea-Maa dwarfed them. He had a huge chest that Yeoman was sure had a large S on it underneath his shirt. Yeoman walked up to Hea-Maa and poked him on the shoulder.

"What's going on little man," said Hea-Maa in a voice that was half Wolfman Jack and half Mr. T.

"Hey, Hea-Maa," Yeoman acknowledged him awkwardly.

"I don't want to bitch anyone out," he said not believing he just used the phrase he used. He preferred using, "I don't want to tattle tale on anyone," but he wasn't Yeoman anymore, he was Low Jones and he needed to speak the lingo.

"But there's this dude at the bar who is wearing a green bracelet and he's not even close to 21," said Yeoman.

"What you talkin' 'bout little man?" said Hea-Maa who probably stole that line from Arnold from Different Strokes, but the way he said it made him sound like Arnold on steroids.

"The kid at the bar with blond, curly hair goes by the name of Sanderson. How he at the age of 18 was able to get passed your security just blows my mind. He probably used one of those fake ID's that the youngsters use nowadays. I remember when I used to go out when I was that young. None of the security guys or the bouncers ever let me get by with a fake ID. I might as well report this to the local police. You guys are endangering the poor kid's life."

Yeoman knew it was so wrong, but he loved every bit of it. It was his chance to finally get Steve back for the time they were in Junior High School and Steve put a plate of chocolate cake on his chair in class and when Yeoman sat on it, he had passed wind at exactly the same time because of his stomach problems and the class thought he messed in his pants. Even his teacher, Mrs. Chambers who was as old as the dirt underneath his shoes thought he had lost his bowels and forced him immediately to the bathroom to clean up. He missed school the entire week because of that prank. And today, the sight of chocolate cake nearly sends him to tears.

He followed Hea-Maa toward the bar where the big Korean bouncer headed straight for Babyface Sanderson. Hea-Maa grabbed him by the shirt collar and pulled him up so they were eye to eye. The six foot five inches tall Hea-Maa literally pulled Sanderson up 5 inches off the ground. As Hea-Maa was being ruthless with Sanderson, Yeoman acted fast.

He walked toward the dance floor and stared Jenna up and down. She was shortly going to fall under the Low Jones spell. As he was within 10 feet of her, two women came from behind him like thieves in the night and each grabbed one of his arms to pull him toward another section of the dance floor.

In succession, the two men after Jenna's love, one being Steve, who actually had her affection, and the other being Yeoman who dreamt of her so much that he in his mind was rightfully hers, yelled out her name.

"Jenna!" yelled both Steve and Yeoman at the same time.

Steve was being whisked away from the club by the 300 pound Hea-Maa while Yeoman was intercepted like a pass by the two women who stared at him earlier in the night and who he didn't even bother looking at. Jenna recognized both voices, but while she knew one was Steve, she couldn't figure out who the second voice was. She looked over toward her left and watched Steve get taken away by the bouncer. She looked over toward her right and saw a very stylish and debonair man who was being mauled by two very drunk women. She grabbed her cousin and walked toward the exit to follow Steve, but something in her head told her to look back one more time at the handsome stranger. Yeoman was still being groped by the two drunken women, but he managed to peek his head out to see Jenna and as he turned his head toward her, their eyes met. It was the meeting of the eyes Tony had spoken about earlier. Even though he was now Low Jones, he still wanted to turn his head away at the thought Jenna would look deeply into his eyes. But he resisted the temptation and instead remembered the 4 stages of smiles that he discussed with Tony earlier in the night. As he looked at Jenna, he started to do the three quarter smile, but then opted for the half smile, and then at the same time, went into quarter smile. Embarrassed, he was about to turn his head, but he didn't. He gave her the most daring smile of them all. The full smile. He showed the teeth. And he even waved. She waved back while giving him the most drop dead gorgeous smile ever known to man or woman. And he almost fainted. The two drunken women had started spanking him on his rear end while he was dancing and kept him upright. He couldn't feel his legs, but he sure could feel the slapping of their hands on his now not so bulbous rear.

As Jenna turned to walk away with her cousin and find Steve, Yeoman started mouthing the words.

Like a river flows like Big Shirley to ice cream
Darling touch your nose
Dumplings are meant to be
Take my man, take my whole wife too
For I can't help falling in love with you

Ok, so he didn't exactly memorize the words to Tony's poem, or Elvis' classic song, but he felt the meaning. He was in love. Low Jones had a Love Jones. Now if only he could get the drunken girls' hands off his boom boom, he could plot his next move. He glanced over to his left and saw Eddy dancing with a girl, and Eddy reacting to Yeoman being groped by the two women, gave Yeoman the double thumbs up, in awe of Low Jones. Yeoman just kept singing the lyric over and over again.

For I can't help falling in love with you